Zorba Paster: Quality time with your children lifts them up

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about raising kids. Three of our children have children: “da’ grandkids.” There are seven of them in all, ranging in age from 2 and a half to 8.

We all want these children to grow up as confident as they can, both during their childhoods and as they become adults. All of our kids raise their own kids differently in some ways and the same in other ways.

I see our grandkids in Madison all the time, but I see the Seattle kids only when I travel there.

I’m a good observer, which comes with the turf of being a physician. I’ve looked at how my kids have parented, how they’ve guided their kids through all the things kids need to be guided through — not getting what they want all the time, sharing, going to bed, all kinds of stuff.

This got me thinking, and researching, so I have some tidbits to share. The joy of this column is that it inspires me to keep up with research, both scientific and common sense. Here are a few of my thoughts on parenting.

Step 1: Shut off your phone. Really. You’ve all probably gone to restaurants, ball games, soccer tournaments, swim meets, and you’ve seen those parents who are not parenting but searching the web for something more interesting than their kids.

Really? I bet you’ve wanted to do what I’ve wanted to do — go up to them and ask what’s so important. To people who seem like they’d rather look at their phone than watch whatever it is their kids are doing, I say: Put that phone away. And leave it put away.

Step 2: Limit your kids’ individual screen time as much as you can. Social media is toxic to kids — not all social media, but a lot of it. And if you think you know what they’re watching, then watch it yourself and see if you approve.

If your child wants to watch a movie, find a movie appropriate for their age and watch it with them. Interact with them. Discuss it with them. Studies have shown this type of interaction breeds more imagination, which some say leads to a higher IQ. I think there is more that needs to be done here to convince us of this important possibility, but it’s out there.

Step 3: Create quality family time. According to Shefali Tsabary, a clinical child psychologist and author, confident kids become confident when parents interact with them.

Tsabary, whose books include “The Conscious Parent” and “The Awakened Family,” indicates that we’re talking about quality time, not quantity. That’s key. It’s all about interaction without distraction.

Spending as little as a half-hour a day, when you’re really there, spurs confidence. Why? Maybe because you’re telling your kids that, at that time, they are the most important thing in your universe.

When I read this about Tsabary’s research, I remembered some of the things we did as parents that our kids still talk about. Let me paint the picture here: Four kids, all in middle school or high school, soccer season, they just threw their dirty, and sometimes not really that dirty, clothes into the laundry pile.

At one point, my wife, Penny, and I just couldn’t keep up (yes, we both did laundry). So, we got this brilliant teaching idea about laundry that our kids still talk about.

We piled all the laundry into the minivan, along with detergent, took some cash and went to our local laundromat. We put all the clothes in 15 machines and ordered pizza. It was our night out: Pizza, Coke and folding laundry.

Now, did that change behavior? Well, we still had to do laundry more than once, but not nearly as often. What we were doing was taking care of ourselves and teaching our kids about what you need to do in life — made better, by the way, with pizza.

My spin: Raising confident kids means spending time with them every day, at least 15 to 30 minutes, when you are truly with them. This should be a time when they get all your attention. It’s a win-win, and it just might help you with the electronic addiction our modern phones foster. Stay well.