‘Longing for healing’: Survivors of clergy abuse and non-offending priests come together

Two years ago, Sally dropped a letter in the mail, never expecting a response. 

Three pages long and handwritten, it was addressed to a leader in the Catholic church who had sexually abused her from when she was 17 until 19. When she sent the letter, she was 56 years old and had never spoken about the abuse to anyone. Not even her husband. 

In the letter, Sally described the burden she had been carrying for decades.  

One week later, she received a response. The abuser asked to apologize in person. 

“​​Those words of, ‘Will you meet me so I can look at you in the eyes?’ just put a fire in me,” Sally told WPR’s “Wisconsin Today.” “I got really angry because I thought, ‘He doesn’t want to actually apologize. He just wants to placate me and make sure I don’t go any further with this.’” 

Sally, who has been given a pseudonym to protect her identity, spent the next two years trying to hold the priest, the bishop and what felt like the entire Catholic church accountable for the abuse. She says she was met with only denial from the church, which showed little interest in stripping the priest of his ministry license. In 2022, the priest resigned from his ministry positions. 

Sally’s relationship with the Catholic church — a place she once found community and refuge — will never be the same. A Catholic for most of her life, she had worked for the church for 30 years. She now shudders when she sees someone wearing a white clergy collar. 

But in October, Sally found herself in a virtual room with seven people; three survivors of clergy abuse, three non-offending priests and a moderator. She was participating in a new Bridge Dialogues program started by the Milwaukee-based survivor support and advocacy organization, Awake. And for once, she found something that she had been looking for all these years.

“As victim-survivors, our experience is not validated,” Sally said. “We feel guilty, we feel shame, we want to hide it, we think it’s our fault. But for somebody just say, ‘I believe you, I stand with you and I hear you’ —it seems so simple, but it’s a huge shift.”

Program aims to alleviate harm caused by church

Sara Larson, Awake’s founder, said the program aims to help abuse victims heal. It involves dialogue and active listening. She called it a slow, peaceful process where survivors have an opportunity to share and non-offending priests are listening. 

It is based on restorative justice principles, which bring together offenders and survivors of crimes. Often, the offender is the Catholic church as a whole.

Larson said survivors of clergy abuse rarely have access to their abusers and many do not want to interact with them. But the additional layer of harm caused by the church in denying abuse allegations can be just as painful, Larson said. 

“There is this longing for healing with the place that is or was their spiritual home,” she said. “I would also say that oftentimes, we as a church and as a culture have not been attentive to the spiritual wounds that come from religious abuse.” 

Awake, founded in 2019 by a group of Catholics in Milwaukee, has grown to a national organization with volunteers and allies. And although there are many restorative justice programs for survivors of violent crime, few exist for survivors of clergy abuse, Larson said. 

Even as the number of abuse reports continue to grow. 

According to an online database, 227 faith leaders in Wisconsin have been accused of abuse. Since 1950, more than 7,000 faith leaders have been accused nationally, which represents 5.9 percent of all priests. 

However, David Pooler, director of the Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse Advocacy and Research Collaborative at Baylor University, said that because a lot of abuse goes unreported, the numbers are likely much higher.  

‘The whole thing could burn down’

During the first official Bridge Dialogues program in October, participants met in a virtual room. After introductions, the moderator asked two important questions of survivors: How are you feeling as we begin today’s conversation? How has the abuse impacted your life and your spiritual journey?

As Sally was in the virtual waiting room for her first Bridges Dialogue program, she was skeptical, scared and angry. At this point in her life, she wanted nothing from the church that had betrayed her over and over again. 

That is what she told other participants in the meeting.

“The whole thing could burn down and I wouldn’t care, because maybe that’s the only way to rebuild it with healthy structures,” she remembers saying. 

And in that moment, looking into the eyes of leaders of the same institution that had denied her abuse and fought to cover it up, the priests in that virtual room nodded in agreement. 

“They didn’t judge me. They weren’t horrified. They didn’t reprimand me or put their hand over their mouth in exasperation,” she said. “They just listened and were like, ‘I get it.’ That was a moment of truth for me.” 

And now Sally can say what she truly wants — that’s to be seen and validated, and for the church to take responsibility. 

Priest brings lessons back to congregation

Father Javier Rodríguez of St. Francis of Assisi Parish and St. Benedict the Moor Parish in Milwaukee, remembers his reaction the first time he heard through Bridges a survivor talk about how abuse damaged their life. 

“They weren’t only abused physically, but emotionally and mentally because of the way they were treated afterwards,” he said, feeling both sad and angry by how the person was treated. 

Rodríguez brought the sentiments and lessons from the meeting to his parish in Milwaukee. During a Sunday homily, where he shares reflections on the scripture, he talked about how people of the Catholic church have to be vigilant in regards to clergy abuse. People need to read the signs and speak up when abuse is discovered. 

A 2019 Pew Research study found that just 24 percent of people who regularly attend religious services say they have heard their clergy speak out in support of victims of sexual abuse.

Prior to the program, Rodríguez said he didn’t think he knew anyone who had been abused by clergy.  He told congregants that the person sitting next to them in the pews could be a survivor. 

“After one of the masses, someone came up to me and opened up,” Rodríguez said. “That person had been abused.”

A 2015 study shows between 50 and 66 percent of abuse victims continue to attend church. 

In spite of their injuries, the author says, most survivors want and need a spiritual community.

Rodríguez had always felt that the Catholic church as an institution could only heal as individuals heal.  Bridges cemented that concept in his mind. He hopes other church leaders talk about the problem of abuse more often. 

A continued relationship with the divine

Sally, who is a mother and life coach, continues to heal from the abuse. 

She doesn’t identify as Catholic, but considers herself a very spiritual person. She meditates daily and prays often to a God; a God she considers a healthier version than the one taught to her by the Catholic church. 

And she pushes herself physically and mentally as often as she can. She is an avid cyclist who bikes hundreds of miles a year and hikes around the world. 

Sally and Awake’s founder, Larson, agree that Bridge Dialogues is not a program for everyone and there will never be a single program or solution that will heal the deep wounds caused by the Catholic church’s history of abuse.

Although Sally still distrusts the church, she said Bridges has helped her reconnect with her spirituality. 

“I have a beautiful relationship with the divine,” she said.

Awake anticipates having a monthly Bridge Dialogues program. The next one is scheduled for Dec. 5.

Editor’s note: To find more information about the Bridge Dialogue program visit awakecommunity.org. 

The Wisconsin Department of Justice started a Clergy and Faith Leader Abuse initiative in 2021. People can find support for victims and survivors of sexual abuse by clergy and faith leaders in Wisconsin. To report current and past abuse call 1-877-222-2620 or report abuse using the online reporting tool.