As More Snow Falls, Every Resident Of Superior Leaves For Warmer State

State health officials are investigating the apparent disappearance of an entire northern Wisconsin city.

Frozen tumbleweeds are the only movement you’ll see on Superior’s streets. There is no traffic, no police, and no answer on the telephones at city hall or the Anchor Bar.

Health officials in full hazmat gear have arrived, but state Rep. Nick Milroy says they won’t find anyone. The town’s 27,000 inhabitants fled en masse after Friday’s snowstorm, putting winter snowfall at 104 inches with a record 75 days with below zero temperatures. Milroy says the last storm was like a dog whistle from Arizona.

“A lot of people said we need to do something about this. A change of scenery might do us good and they thought a mass exodus out of here is the answer to this crazy weather,” he said.

Smuggling 27,000 pale people into Arizona is no easy task. Milroy asked the Republican leadership for tanning booth expenses, but that was rejected because it would help out-of-state interests.

“There’s a lot of spray-tan booths on the way down but I think we’re going to have to be real creative because we know how difficult it is to get into the state of Arizona without proper papers,” Milroy said.

Douglas County emergency management director Keith Kesler says Arizona has erected a snow fence and is turning away northern refugees. But he says Superiorites have chucked their cheeseheads.

“Well, you know, we’re wearing our hats backwards,” Kesler said. We’re trying to sneak through under the cover of darkness. We’re going to take our cheese curds and that kind of stuff with us so we talked about how you can hide those inside your door panels and under your spare tire in the truck.”

Already, hundreds of Superiorites have made it into Arizona and established a settlement called New Oulu. There they’ve opened restaurants featuring Wisconsin cheese, Leinies, and relish trays.

Meanwhile, state health officials fear this “Endless Winter Shock Syndrome” is highly contagious. In flyovers of Wausau, Stevens Point, and Eau Claire, they’ve seen no sign of life, although they say that’s normal for Wausau.