A Global Pilgrimage To Find God

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• What 1 Woman Discovered In Her Failed Mission To Find God

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  Not uttering a word during a week-long silent meditation retreat, laughter yoga, baking muffins for a Wiccan potluck, sweating it out in a traditional Mayan sweat lodge, Soul Cycling, paying a visit to John of God, taking ayahuasca in Peru.

  Anjali Kumar did all of these things and more in her quest to understand what she believes or believes in.

  Kumar, whose parents are Indian, was born in Brooklyn, New York, and is a first generation Indian-American. She grew up going to Catholic school. Her family was culturally Hindu, but were practicing Jains. Jainism is an ancient religion originating in India.

  “I was almost surrounded by too much religion,” she recently told WPR’s “The Morning Show.” But Kumar never actually rejected religion, she just didn’t connect with it in a deep way.

  In spite of her religious upbringing, Kumar grew up to be a “none” — in other words, checking the “none of the above” box when it comes to checking which religion you practice. Being religiously nonaffiliated doesn’t mean not being spiritual. But for Kumar, it also never meant really trying to understand the big questions, like why we’re here and what we’re meant to do with our time on earth.

  That changed after she had three miscarriages and her daughter Zia was born almost eight years ago.

  “When she was born, I realized I didn’t really know what I thought about these things. I didn’t know what I believed about religion and spirituality, because I had just never done the digging, apart from intellectually. And so, it set me off on this journey that lasted many years, and will probably be for the rest of my life, trying to figure out what I believed so I could answer questions for her and give her some spiritual mooring,” Kumar told WPR.

  So, after all of her experiences and writing her recent book, “Stalking God: My Unorthodox Search for Something to Believe In,” can Kumar answer those questions?

  Not quite. But that’s kind of the point. Kumar wanted to find a definitive answer, then she realized, in searching for that definitive answer, that there wasn’t one for her. She’s not a Wiccan, Jain or Catholic. She’s landed on what she called a “bricolage” of different traditions and practices.

  “I’d hoped naively that I would have this clear map for myself, for my daughter to say, ‘Here’s the answer. I really figured it out. All data points to that,’” Kumar said.

  Kumar, a lawyer, likes knowing things for sure. But “that’s not what happened for me. I envy people who have that absolutism,” she said.

  Throughout her process Kumar did learn that she had biases against some religious communities, like Wiccans — but they were ultimately actually just like her. She learned the world is mostly kind, but that we just don’t focus on that most of the time. She also learned people everywhere want community and are looking to understand the big questions.

  And above all, Kumar learned, “I’m really OK with not knowing.“